This is a guide I never thought I’d be writing. I don’t know who will read this and I don’t even know how long this will be, but it’s something that has been on my mind and on my soul. If you had asked me 6 months ago if I ever thought I’d experience a true heartbreak I would’ve said no. I would’ve said that I’m lucky to have never experienced that. Well now I’m here to tell you that life has its’ twists and turns and here I am on the other side. In some ways I still think people who haven’t experienced heartbreak are lucky, but then in other ways I feel like I am lucky to have experienced it because I learned new things about myself. Maybe you are reading this because you too are going through a heartbreak. Maybe you have a friend or close family member who is going through a breakup and you want to know what you can do to help, if there even is anything. I know that when I was going through the worst part of my breakup I was looking for books to read and I couldn’t find a true guide in a sense. I couldn’t find something that was right to the point, something that came from a regular person navigating this world and not a famous author or psychologist. I am just a girl who fell in love and got my heart broken, and wanted to document the journey and what I have learned. I hope this finds you in the time that you need it. I hope that you are able to take something, anything away from this. If there is any message that you remember I want it to be this:
You are worth love and happiness. You loved and that love existed for a reason. Be present in all moments of life and cherish those around you who love you deeply. You are ever growing, ever changing, and not everyone can grow or change with you- that is okay. You may not feel okay right now and I cannot promise that you will feel okay tomorrow or even after you read this in it’s’ entirety, but I do promise you that you will get through it. Somewhere down the line you will look back on this experience and it will only be a memory, a faded scene in a rear view mirror, a memory of the perfect sunset….the sun sets… and a new day begins
I am often browsing the web and see people asking others for advice on the topic of love and breakups. They simply ask “how do I get over my ex, can’t stop thinking about them!!” And to be honest, I googled these questions too, desperate for any help I could possibly get. No one understood me. None of my friends had experienced a breakup like mine, and while they sympathized with me, it wasn’t enough. I needed something more, I craved it and I wasn’t finding it. And so that is how this came about. Like I said in my welcome post, I’m just a girl who fell in love and got her heartbroken. I’m not a professional or an author, I just want to share my story and what I’ve learned with whoever needs to read it.
Going back to the questions on google, the interesting thing about this is that everyone’s relationship is different and therefore every breakup is different. What worked for one person may not work for someone else , but there are some things I think would help everyone. I don’t know what caused your breakup. I don’t know what emotional state you are at, but I can guess that if you are reading this you are actively searching for a way to turn your brain off. It seems like every memory reminds you of them and you may not want to admit it, but if your ex wanted you back right now, you would jump at the chance to be in their arms again. There’s nothing wrong with this, it is a phase that most people go through.
If it is pretty obvious that you and your ex are not getting back together then read on. These tips that I have created have worked for me. I hope they work for you too and you find that peace and that closure that you need, that you may not be getting from your ex. And as always, please remember to be kind to yourself. Remember that life is full of love everywhere you look- not just in the romantic sense. Be grateful for those around you and enjoy experiences by yourself if you must, you may have more fun than you think!
My Experience on Heartbreak:
Before I get into the tips I think it may be beneficial for you as a reader if I tell my story on heartbreak. I’m not the most experienced person on this topic. I haven’t been through many heartbreaks, but I went through one very painful breakup that has turned my world upside down and made my heart ache. I was 20 years old when I met my ex. Seemingly, everything fell together for us and he became my comfort, my companion, my shoulder to cry on, and my escape from all of life’s stresses. We dated for 3.5 years and I pictured it all with him. I pictured the proposal, the wedding, who would be there, and where we would have it. I pictured a white picket fence, the two children we’d have and what kind of house we would choose. There was absolutely zero doubt in my mind. I knew he would be my husband. I never saw an end to this relationship and when the blindside breakup came, it tragically ended all my hopes and dreams with him. There was never any indication, even looking back, that he would not follow through and marry me. There were, however, signs that he didn’t want the same things as me.
It was the lack of enthusiasm when we were talking about our future and the hesitancy to provide real, genuine answers to how he was feeling. Looking back I realize that I may have been blinded by this fantasy that I was unable to notice the signs. I will say this though: you shouldn’t have to notice the signs! Your partner should always be open and transparent with you. You should never be left wondering what they are thinking or how they feel about a situation because they should tell you , and that my friends, is where the root of this problem lies. We were able to have positive conversations, but he was not able to be open and transparent with me about any negative emotions he had or views he had that strayed from mine. You might ask, did you tell him you wanted these things in life? Absolutely, 100%. I made it so very clear of my hopes, dreams, goals, fears, excitements, all of it. And I now look back and know that it was not me that was the problem. I will take ownership that I was not always the nicest, I wasn’t always the easiest to deal with, and I sure as heck wasn’t the best partner 100% of the time. But I what I was, was simply human. Maybe we were just two people that were just too different. Either way, I know I have grown from that experience and I hope he has as well. We must appreciate our past for what it was, remember the laughs, the smiles, and the tears. This is how we grow and this is what shapes us into the people we want to become.
MY TIPS ON HOW TO GET THROUGH A HEARTBREAK:
1. No contact (no social media etc)
2. Mourn ( not for long)
3. Say YES
4. Write , and then write some more
6. Do not “replay”
7. Independent travels
I understand. You were with this person for months maybe years and the thought of cutting off all communication is daunting to say the least. You can’t imagine not texting them ever again and the thought right now makes you sad, maybe even ill, but this , in my experience is the best way to go about it. Now, if you google the no contact rule, it is not the same as this. I went on YouTube after my breakup and saw so-called professionals talk about the no contact rule. I was all for it until I realized the ultimate goal was to have this person come crawling back to you and you would take them back, I guess. Let me set my intentions clear right now. I do not believe you should ever go through a breakup and continuously believe there is a chance of getting back together. What you really need to do here is heal yourself. There may be certain circumstances where you can be that couple that gets back together, but I’m the type of person where if you hurt me, if you let me walk out that door in the first place, you’re no longer worth having in my life. Whose to say you won’t do this again to me? However, these are my personal opinions, and slightly unrelated to the no contact rule, I digress! This no contact rule of mine is not to get you your man or woman back, it’s to help you heal faster. Let me explain….
If you are always texting them and talking to them, you are wasting crucial time you could be moving on from them. This person could very well be stringing you along, enjoying the fact that they have you to talk to as a companion, but as nothing else. Do not give someone who hurt you the satisfaction of having you in any shape or form. You deserve better. And you should do better. I realize this is easier said than done but after my breakup, I did not text my ex once. I did not call. I did not email. I did not snail mail! This was extremely difficult, and at the same time it wasn’t. I had no control over my breakup. We were ending, and he was the one ending it. The only thing that I had control over was my response to it. I took great satisfaction in the fact that even though I didn’t have control when we ended, I had control after it ended. My response was this: no response at all, no communication thereafter.
We all react differently to pain but I am here to tell you that cutting off all communication helped heal me quicker, I believe that. If they reach out to you, you can respond , but keep it formal, keep it polite. Don’t give them any indication that you need them in your life. Because I will tell you something right now, you do not need them. You may want them and you may think your life is better with them in it, but you will move on and you will see that life without them in it can be just as sweet.
This is a topic up for debate these days, but I believe in deleting your ex on all social media. You don’t need to block them, just delete them. You will constantly be going on their page, seeing their new pictures, seeing their new friends, and maybe even relationships. This is not healthy for your healing! It does not mean you hate the person because you delete them off social media. It simply means that you value your own healing over a superficial “friendship” online. This is the time in your life , more than any other, that you must put your needs above all else. Who cares if your ex thinks you hate them, who cares if they think you “care” about them so much you HAD to delete them to cope. Let people think what they need to. It’s their opinion and nothing more! I know the drill all too well. A sad song comes on, a memory reminds you of them, and now here you are on their Facebook page yet again. If you delete them, there is much less to see when you stalk them now. And that’s a great feeling that you just don’t know what’s going on. Another personal choice I made was I asked all of my friends to delete my ex, my family, everyone. I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on with him. I felt like if something major happened, they would feel conflicted on whether or not to tell me and I just figured, you know what, it would be best if we ALL were clueless. And that helped my healing so much. There was honestly no way to stalk him because no one had access, and to this day no one has access.
Social media can be a great tool and a great way to connect with others around the world. But in the case of a breakup, social media is a very bad thing. Think about back in the days when people parted ways and they both genuinely didn’t know what the other person was up to, strange concept right? They may have stared out their window and wondered how that person was, but they had no real clue. It is true that sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. In this case, I feel like it’s better to be in the dark. Let what the relationship be left as what it was; a part of your life, a piece of your puzzle that keeps finding new pieces. There’s no need to know what he/she is doing because your story closed. Leave the book alone. Don’t throw it away, just put it on the shelf.
A heartbroken person is unlike any other person. Their time moves at a completely different pace than ours. It’s like this mental, physical, emotional ache. And feeling so conflicted. Nothing distracts you from it. ~Taylor Swift
When any relationship ends, especially when it was unexpected like mine, you need time to mourn the relationship. I had a good cry , maybe more than one, in my room. Your brain replays all the special, loving moments and it almost feels as though this is a dream.
I remember when my ex was breaking up with me, doing a terrible job at it I might add, and my world immediately turned upside down. I felt ill. I felt like I was in a nightmare. I must’ve been sleeping, I thought to myself. Because there is absolutely no way this is happening. In the moment, I picked myself up and walked myself out that door, seemingly acting as though I would be okay. In the car I called a close friend of mine and we talked the whole way home, I still didn’t mourn. I don’t think it officially hit me until the next day. I sat on the floor in my room and I just cried. I cried until no more tears were coming out. I looked at old pictures. I tortured myself. But this time is necessary. Anytime I feel sad about the relationship being over, I allow myself to cry. I allow myself to feel those emotions. It has helped tremendously.
When you go through a breakup, you need to mourn. You might think it will be best if you just keep yourself busy from the start so that you won’t think about that person. But let me tell you, eventually you will be alone. Eventually you’ll be somewhere and you will want to mourn. Give yourself that necessary time. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship was, you were emotionally connected to this person and you need to disconnect. In order to do that, you need to allow yourself to go through the roller coaster of emotions.
A heartbroken person will be happy at times, they will laugh with others, they will smile, but they are still heartbroken. Please give yourself the time you need.
Time passes, and the more you live your life, and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying “hello beautiful, good morning” you get used to not calling someone at night to tell them how your day was. You replace these old habits with new habits like, texting your friends in a group chat all day and planning fun dinner parties, and going out on adventures with your girlfriends. And then one day you’re in London and you realize you’ve been in the same place as your ex for two weeks and you’re fine. And you hope he’s fine.
Something I made myself do constantly was say “yes” to everything. If someone asked me to hangout, I said yes, every time. There were most certainly times when I did not want to go out. The last thing I wanted to do was leave my house and face reality. Every weekend I spent with my ex boyfriend. It was countless days and nights that we spent together, and now who would I hang out with? It was two days after the breakup, laying in my bed, my face covered in my own tears, that I realized I have great friends who care about me, and I should spend as much time with them as I can. I do want to add here though that you will end up spending a lot of time alone. At first it will be strange, but after a while you will remember your own company and actually enjoy it.
Getting back on track here, when I said, “yes,” to everything, I experienced things I never would have otherwise. I spent time with people I hadn’t seen in a while, I went to new places, saw new artists in concert, and just enjoyed life with people around me who loved and supported me. You can wallow for a while, in fact, as stated above, you SHOULD wallow, but you need to eventually get up and start living your life again. You may learn new things about yourself you never knew and you may also meet new, exciting people along the way.
When you’re saying, “yes,” to everything, you are saying, “yes,” to life again, and that is just another step in the process of healing.
The first thing that I did after my breakup was write a letter to my ex boyfriend. In my letter I laid out all of my feelings. I told him how much I loved him, how much I missed him, and how confused I was by his decision to end our relationship. I also said some hurtful things, I accused him of things, and I just allowed myself to be completely transparent. And then I sealed it up, I wrote his address on it, and I put it in “our” box. It sat there for a while in my box, in fact, I believe it is still there. I would advise burning it, because this may make you feel better. For me though, I just felt better writing it. I have written him two-three letters, and I have never sent one of them. For me, it is a way to get my feelings out to him without him ever reading it. I also wrote a letter to my future self about what I am going through. I want to be able to go back and read it months or even years from now and see the growth I have made. And now here I am, almost 6 months post breakup, writing this website/blog.
I am not a writer, I am just a person writing and typing out her feelings. Even if you don’t write, and you’ve never “journaled” before, I would give this a try. Write everything down, write all your good feelings, mad feelings, sad feelings, and read the letter out loud to yourself, to a mirror, to whomever. If you really don’t want to write, record yourself! I know this is a weird concept, but it can be extremely therapeutic.
Let your feelings out. Really let that paper have it! Write anything and everything and then rip it up, burn it, or simply save it to read at a later date for YOURSELF. Do what works for you!
I’m sure you all have heard this before. Music is such a great tool to get through difficult times, not just heartbreak. I listened to all different types of songs when I was going through the worst of my breakup. I tended to choose more sad songs, and these would make me cry, but what I NEEDED was to cry. I’ll admit, I somewhat still do this. I may torture myself but it is only because I know that I need to release my emotions.
One of the greatest things is when I find a song that somehow encapsulates all that I am feeling. It is a strange feeling that is hard to explain. You are driving alone in your car at night and a song comes on the radio, time stops and you listen to the lyrics. You hear the words being sung and you just feel those feelings all over again. You picture that time when you were in the kitchen with your ex making dinner and you both were laughing, that time when you were at a restaurant eating food (like you always did), that time when you both were in the car together, and you said something stupid, and he looked over at you and smiled. And then the song hits the sad part where the relationship takes a turn and you remember the night you left his apartment, or the day you both decided it just wasn’t working anymore.
Those are the feelings that just the right song can bring to you. Here are a list of all of the songs I listened to, and still listen to, that helped me (in no particular order, but my absolute favorites are bolded)
- Missing You by John Waite
- All I Do Is Cry by Kim Petras
- The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley
- Good Things Fall Apart by Illenium & Jon Bellion
- What’s Left of Me and I Can’t Hate You Anymore by Nick Lachey
- Don’t Check on Me by Chris Brown & Justin Bieber & Ink
- Move On by AJ Mitchell
- Easier by 5 Seconds of Summer
- How Do You Sleep? by Sam Smith
- You Say by Lauren Daigle
- Up by Thomas Rhett
- Single Again by Big Sean
- Up Again by Dan Bremnes
- Against All Odds (Take a Look At Me Now) by Phil Collins
- All Love & About You by FLETCHER
- Used to Be by Jonas Brothers
- I Hope You’re Happy Now by Carly Pearce & Lee Brice
- Every Time I Hear That Song by Blake Shelton
- Like I Loved You by Brett Young
- I Don’t F**** With You By Big Sean
- Zero by Chris Brown
- I Miss You by Clean Bandit feat Julia Michaels
- Over You by Daughtry
- Happier by Ed Sheeran
- Heartbreak by Hunter Hayes
- By the Grace of God by Katy Perry
- You’ll Think of Me by Keith Urban
- I Don’t Think About You by Kelly Clarkson
- Jealous by Labrinth
- Cheating on You by Lucy Cavalier
- Supercut by Lorde
- Don’t Call Me Up by Mabel
- Too Much To Ask by Niall Horan
- Make You Miss Me by Sam Hunt
- I Forgot That You Existed, All Too Well, & Clean by Taylor Swift
- Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer
**I wanted to make a note that in the process of writing this, Selena Gomez came out with two new songs, Lose You to Love Me and Look at Her Now and these are amazing amazing songs for getting through a heartbreak. I recommend!
DO NOT “REPLAY” MEMORIES
One of the worst things that you can do, that we all do, is replay the memories we had with our ex over and over. We hear a song and it’s just natural to picture those moments or we close our eyes because that’s the only way to see the relationship again. Closing our eyes is the only way to replay those amazing memories, it’s the only way to put us back in time. The only time you should be doing this is during the mourn phase, otherwise you cannot indulge this! I am guilty of it because I used to do it too. I would find old pictures of us and just stare at them or I would go through “our” box just to torture myself and read all the poems and cards he wrote me.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
I asked myself this question and I realized it was because we want to feel it. We are devastated that the relationship is over and even though we know it’s over, we don’t want to believe it and therefore we replay memories and open up old boxes to make it all real again. For me at least, it was also a release. Sometimes I knew I was sad again, and I wanted to cry, so, I opened the box. I think that people should cope in anyway that works best for them, but this is a behavior that you really should limit. The relationship is over, but those memories will stay with you. Leave them in the past where they belong, but carry those lessons with you instead. Take with you the fact that you loved and you loved deeply- and that you will find it again!
Instead of replaying memories with your ex, envision the present , envision the future with your friends, getting to do the things you always dreamed of, exploring new places on your own… there are so many dreams and moments you can daydream of ❤️